"A lack of innocence is carefully hidden in this tangled mess known as my nightmare. Memories are flooding, and thoughts are racing through my much too cluttered mind. If only they knew... I finally crack as regrets start seeping out and questions pour in. When will this torment end? My sanity disappears; I hope and pray for justice and strength in not knowing what is soon to come."
When formatted correctly, this is a free write poem from Icky Vickey's creative writing class my senior year. I'm fairly certain its original purpose had something to do with Joel's accident last March and how I wouldn't know the outcome, which, at the time, was a good one. (RIP,,, 2/18/09).
I guess at this point these words make more sense with what's going on with my grandmother. She had her first heart attack while I was in Syracuse; it happened the day before Easter. We made it home to North Carolina the following Monday evening, and I went with my mother to the hospital that Tuesday before returning to school. Grandma didn't look great, but at least she was sitting in the chair, not in the bed, and she could talk with you. Having Alzheimer's, her memory hasn't been great for a while (though she could faintly recognize my parents and, once reminded, she could recognize me and my sibling), but she was verbal and social to a point.
I was sleeping Wednesday morning when my phone rang at 7:32am (I thought it was my alarm going off at 9:30), and my mom told me that grandma was back in the hospital. She didn't really know much, but I'd get a phone call when she did. Later that afternoon my dad called me and I worked it out where I could get home. I was finished with classes at noon on Thursday, so my dad picked me up and we went to the hospital in Stateville down the street from the home my grandmother was living in. When I saw her at the hospital, she looked even worse than she had just two weeks prior. My grandma frushy was confined to her bed - unable to really move without assistance, and Hospice had been called in. It was easy to tell that she was really warm because she'd push her covers off. Other times she must have been cold because she'd pull them back on. She was fairly verbal - when asked questions. Her IV fell out, so I had to help the nurse put it back in (I thought my mom would pass out, so I was helping hold my grandma, talking to her, and had to pop something off the IV for the nurse - it was actually kind of a cool experience. While there Thursday, a pastor came in and asked us about the anointment (my grandmother was a strict Catholic and both wanted & deserved to have the anointment of the sick). Even though I'm not extremely religious, it was a great experience to witness. I was probably the only one who didn't cry - even my grandmother, who was only semi-aware, was nearly choked up with tears. She was very responsive to the man performing the anointment (even though he wasn't a Catholic priest, he did a fantastic job with the anointment!). Friday I decided I wanted a bit of a break from the hospital, so I went up to Robinson to help out with Ms. Koehl's and Mrs. Green's class which was a very nice break - I had a great time. I got to talk to Ms. Langley for a few minutes and I got to see a couple friends who I haven't seen in what felt like forever. That afternoon, around 2, I left Jrob and went back to the hospital - an hour away,, ahh!. This time it was really freaky because grandma was completely nonverbal and was sleeping the entire time. She didn't wake once. It was kind of sad, you know,, even though I still didn't cry. The only good part from that was getting to see my uncle and his girlfriend. When I was younger, he was my favorite uncle, and I haven't seen him since my sophomore year of high school, so it was fun getting to see him again, even if the circumstances sucked. :/ Come Saturday, I was at the hospital for about 3 hours or so, my shortest trip. Grandma was, once again, just sleeping. At one point the nurses came in to turn her (so she wouldn't get sore spots/bed spots), and she opened her eyes for the first time since I'd seen her Thursday evening, and she moved her mouth like she wanted to say something. She looked nervous/anxious, so we had the doctors give her some more morphine to keep her calm and pain-free. That's what's going on right now - she's basically jacked up on morphine to make sure she's comfortable. At this point, everyone is just visiting and making sure she knows we're there and love her (they say hearing is the last thing to go). We tell her how beautiful she looks and how much everyone loves her and how she's going to get quite the welcoming at the pearly gates. I'm not sure what/how I believe religiously, but there has to be a God because there's no way we're burying my grandmother, the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's the end - there has to be something after - she had such a tough life - struggled raising 9 kids basically by herself and with little money. She helped each of her kids with each of their kids, and she's taught us each how to love each other and spend time together. My grandmother had this saying: See me while I'm alive because I'll just be a bore when I'm gone... or something like that. She also doesn't want any kind of open casket kind of deal because she said she doesn't want to be viewed like a muesum exhibit or anything of the such. My grandmother was a sarcastic, witty, funny old broad. If you've ever seen those cards with the old lady, Maxine, on them - that's my grandma all right. I mean, it's not, but they look a lot alike and their attitudes are very similar. My grandma doesn't have much time here with us, but I know she's ready to go. If she could see herself, she'd want the process to just hurry up so she could be in Heaven where she has definitely earned her spot. Grandma "Frushy" is the best grandma anyone could ever ask for. She loved each one of her grandchildren and she made sure we knew it. I'll be sad when she's gone, but I don't know if I'll cry. I haven't cried yet, and I don't know that she'd want me to - she knows how much she's loved... I don't care about Alzheimer's stealing her memory- she knows us and knows we all love her as much as she's loved us over the years. While she would appreciate us mourning her when she goes, I think she'd rather us celebrate her life and if she could have one final wish, I bet it would be for everyone in the family to get together and reminisce about the good all days over a big meal and for us to remember what Grandma always told us - to love eachother and to respect the old because it will be you one day. My grandma may not have passed yet, but I know it's coming soon and I'm okay with that because she's 84 (85 May 6) and has lived a wonderful and productive life. I love her a lot and will be sad to see her go, but she'll be kickin' it with Jesus, and isn't that what we all want? I still haven't figured out where I am when it comes to what I believe. I do believe in a God and I do believe in a Heaven, but I don't believe in anything specific. I guess that will have to do right now. I'm sure that God won't hate me just because I don't believe in everything - I feel like as long as I trust that what He's doing is the right thing, it doesn't really matter what else happens.
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