My fiercely beating heart is full of more than it can hold as raging emotions claw at my mind and attack my soul. Overpowering curiosity controls thoughts so deep and dark while this terrifying monster chooses how to leave its mark.
What exactly am I trying to say through these words? I'm not quite sure. I know that it was originally written to portray jealousy - After a conversation with friends, I've realized that most of them have something I don't have, and it's something I kind of want.
Now I've never really been a jealous person, but I have always been a very skeptical and inquisitive person, which is why I don't have what they have - and that's also why I'm jealous of what they have -- my inquisitive side wonders why they feel the way they do and how I can feel that way too.
I'd have to say about 95% of the people in my life believe in God. About 90% of those people seem to have a very strong relationship with Him... they seem to know He has some kind of plan for them - that He is looking out for them. They've put their trust in God and seem to really believe in him and how he guides their lives, etc.
I'm definitely not religious, but I guess sometimes I want to be -- it's not that I don't believe in God, it's just that I'm incredibly unsure. I have no problem believing in a God - I just don't seem to have the strong faith that my friends have - I don't"feel" Him or anything like that. I don't go to church because I'm bored there - nothing that is said makes any sense to me: I've read some of the Bible before, and there's nothing that jumps out at me like, oh wow - that's special. I've never had any amazing "God is real, God is love, etc" epiphany... but sometimes I wish I did.
People I don't even know have made me jealous of their faith - for example, I'm facebook friends with someone who goes to Robinson, but I don't think I've ever met her -- but just through the minifeed stalker tool, I've seen how large her faith is, and I don't know why, but I'm jealous of it.
Everybody tells me to just go with them to church, and that's swell, but I've been to church - I grew up going to a church every Sunday until I moved to NC. We even went to church for a while after moving here. Then I went to church with various friends while living here. They've all felt something while there, but I just go to hang out.
Everyone says to put my trust in God, but I can't do that - I can't just put my trust in someone/something when I don't feel it. I don't know how to explain it.
Sometimes I really want to believe in God. Sometimes I decide that I've been through so much and I never would have made it through that if it weren't for a Got. I was deep into anorexia for a while there, and who knew if I'd make it out. Now I'm on the other side of the spectrum, but it's mostly because I don't want to be where I was back then. Food terrified me back then, but now the thought of being where I was terrifies me. I've dealt with losing people I love, and I don't know how I've overcome that, so there must be a God, right? I mean, I've suffered through a lot of stuff, and I've made it through.
My grades sucked in high school; sure, I made honor roll, but compared to the people I'm in school with now, my grades really did suck. I don't care about school and doing work; I care about hanging out with friends, sports, and just having fun. But I made it to App, so there must be a God looking out for me, right?
I don't know... I pray sometimes... but it's mostly when I want something. I know that's wrong, but I've never considered praying except for when it's in my favor.
When I was deep into anorexia, I prayed every day. I prayed every single day for at least 2 years; I asked God to help me, to save me, to just let me eat - to let me feel better about myself. I would pray and "make deals" with God. I'd tell him that if he just let me eat, then I'd be nicer to people or I'd work on improving certain things. And it may have taken a few years, but I did overcome most of the stuff I went through then. Sure, my self image still isn't the best, but it's a whole heck of a lot better than what it was. Even when I got older - to high school age, I'd pray before a test that I didn't study for, asking God to help me get a good grade, and I'd promise to study for the next test.
But I guess that's all besides the point. It's just, when I think back to moments where my life was really low, I'd pray for it to get better. Sometimes it did, sometimes it took a while. I guess I was always the person who only believed when things went my way.
I don't know how to change who I am or what I think. Sure, I could read the Bible, but that never helped in the past. Sure, I could start going to church, but I've never been to a church that I actually liked for the sermons or w/e they're called. I've never had the drive except for when I've wanted something, and that's just selfish and wrong - I know that. I guess that's just who I am... who I'll always be.
So yeah, the original reason for me writing that little bit at the top was because I was jealous of some people and how their relationship with God/Their God is so strong - sometimes I wish I had that strong faith that a lot of my friends have, but I don't. The "terrifying monster" I mention is jealousy, and not usually being a jealous person, I didn't know how that would effect me. I guess I'll find out one way or another.
This is really long... I guess I just needed to vent. Kudos to anyone who reads this. I'm not looking for anyone to respond or anything, especially because that could be awkward, I just needed to vent and get some stuff off my mind - writing always helps with that.
2 comments:
Leave it to me to comment! Kate, you don't always feel God. He isn't a feeling. That is an assumption that many people make--that it is an emotional experience to "find God". God wants your faith and trust much more than He wants you emotions. Trust me--there is a God. Have you seen my amazing baby girl lately? Someone had to be in charge of designing that whole process--conception, growth, birth. Most Christians take God for granted just like you described--the mindset that you only pray/talk to God when you need Him. When things are going good, most just forget. But He wants us to depend on Him. I feel much more confident knowing that God is planning out my life without my help. That's how I got my wonderful husband and adorable daughter. It's how I wound up coming to Concord and teaching your class. God puts us where He wants/needs us.
Kate, just remember that anytime you need to talk, I am always here for you. If I can still hold true to my faith and trust in God's plan for me after I lost both of my children to tragic circumstances, then I feel you can find the faith I once knew you to have and trust in God because He does have a plan for you and He does love you and want you to love and trust Him. You and I may have been through a lot and I may have been angry with you a lot, but I know how much you loved my son and how close of friends you were with my daughter. Remember, I am always here for you. You have my number and I hope you don't forget how to use it. I love you, sweetie.
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