Grandma passed away yesterday around 4:30ish, and I guess it just makes me think a lot of my past and the things I've suffered through. Grandma Frushy (Fruscello) was my mom's mom, and when I talked to my mom, she was saying how Grandma was in Heaven with my sister (My oldest sister, Sara, passed away before I was born). It's a really weird thought for me... to have a sister I never knew.. a sister who never had a life.... she was born dead, I guess... I don't really know exactly. She was born September 02, 1988, so I guess that would make her 20 now... sometimes I wonder what she would be like or have looked like... I never knew her and she never had a chance at life, but she still feels real to me sometimes. Would she look more like my mom or my dad? Would she have a darker, more Italian complexion, or would she get mine & my mom's pathetically pale skin? Would she be an athlete like the rest of us, or would she have the same feminine persona my other sister has? I found myself thinking a lot about that today. I still haven't really cried about grandma because her death brought upon something better for her. Whether or not we noticed, she just had to have been suffering... losing her memory, being weak, etc. That just wasn't a great way to go. I'm terrified of getting Alzheimers because I saw my grandmother suffer from it; I saw what it did to her, and I don't want that to happen to me - the thought truly freaks me out. I don't want to have a family worry about me... a disease like this usually skips a generation, so the chances of me, my siblings, and/or my cousins (over 20 of them) each have a pretty big chance of getting the disease - it's a scary thought, and nobody can convince me otherwise.
I really love the Carrie Underwood quote (song lyric...) because it's what goes through a person's mind when someone they love is gone. WHY,,, WHY did you leave? It's such a simple question that always has a more complex answer. My grandmother left because she wasn't herself, and nobody should have to live with being something/someone they aren't. Mr. Parsons left a few years ago, and I guess we still really don't know why. If you believe in God, then maybe he was taken from us so we would learn not to take people we love for granted. Maybe it's because he had done what he needed - he impacted the lives of many people, and God felt it was his time. My sister - maybe she just wasn't meant to be here - maybe her death helped my parents to appreciate the kids they did end up having... it helped them realize how much of a miracle giving birth to a healthy child is.
Whatever the reason for deaths occuring what seems too early or too harshly, I'm sure God has His reasons. Now I'm definitely a person who goes back and forth in faith - I don't know what I believe, but I have concluded that I do believe in God... it just makes sense to believe in God. That's kind of the extent of it for me, though. I don't know if prayer truly works. I don't know if He can actually hear me, if he's actually getting my messages. I guess I'll just continue trying; I'll have to work on prayer during the good times and the bad, though. I'm not the person who only complains to my friends, I share in the good stuff too, so why would I only complain to God? All I know is that it's much easier said than done... good thing prayer is words - that's something I'm good at.
I probably wouldn't be this way, I probably wouldn't hurt so bad; I never pictured every minute without you in it, oh you left so fast. Sometimes I see you standing there; sometimes it's like I'm losing touch. Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much. God give me a moments grace because if I never saw your face, I probably wouldn't be this way..."
^ That might be about losing someone you love romantically, but I loved my grandmother so very much! She taught me many lessons in life, and I never did think about how she wouldn't be here anymore... I guess this mortality thing has hit me pretty hard recently... people I love are just disappearing, and it freaks me out. I hate this, I hate death. I'm not afraid of it, and I know it must lead to something... so I'm not afraid of dying at all... I'm just afraid of leaving behind people I love... it's the worst feeling ever - to be left behind when someone you love goes... it really, really hurts.
And yet - still no tears. I can't talk about it because talking might make me cry. I can't cry about it because tears are weakness, and weakness is unacceptable. I'm not a weak person, and as long as people understand how much "MaryAlice from the farm" was loved, then I don't need to express myself through anything other than my words. Crying is a loss of control, I refuse to not be in control of my emotions. I've cried enough over losing people and the such, and I'm finally in control of how I'm going to handle my feelings - writing about it is more productive than crying.
I love you so much, grandma, and I know you're looking down on your 9 kids, their spouses, your over 30 grandchildren & great grandchildren, and everyone else that was left behind to mourn the loss of your fantastic self. I miss you tons and can't wait to see you again someday.
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