Religion...

You guys will be shocked to hear of my latest decision! I've decided to give religion a try. I've never considered myself non-religious, just skeptical. I was brought up in a Catholic household. While we didn't practice Catholicism as strongly as some, we did attend mass, have our first communions, etc. When I moved to NC, the Catholic church was horrible. The priest said some disheartening comments, and we left the church. Since moving to NC, I never really went to a church every Sunday. Even when I did go to church, I never considered myself the biggest believer. Do I believe in God? I'm not sure. While I think I believe, I've always been a skeptic when it comes to religion. I guess I can say I believe in God, just not the Christian God or anything like that. I'm not agnostic at all, but as far as I know, there is no specific religion for what I believe.
Going to UCF was possibly the best experience I ever had at a church. I loved the music, loved what was being preached, and loved the pastor & youth pastor. Ellis & Jonathon were amazing. I remember when Ellis left, and that basically the last time I really went to UCF. I wes in 8th grade. There had been a few times since then that I went with Paige or I went to youth group, but I didn't really go to church anymore. Even before going to UCF, when Amy and her family still lived near me, they were testing out churches, and we accompanied them. That was fun.
In 10th grade, I went to a weekend program with Christina and her church. A few times after that, I went with her to youth group and even went to a few more church services. I liked those for the most part. Her youth leader, Keith, was pretty amazing. He was tons of fun and a really great guy. I know he left, and Christina goes to a different church now.
Basically, I've been to a lot of churches, and the only one where I always felt like I belonged was UCF. I haven't been in so long that I don't really know anybody there anymore. There are a few people I know who go there now who didn't back when I did such as Alex S, Alex M, and Danielle. Then there are the two who went when I did, Paige and Sara... but IDK, it would be weird to go back, I think. Maybe I will this summer. All of the churches I've been to here in Boone (all... it's only been 2) don't seem right. A lot of people go to a church called Wesley, and I think I may want to try it some time, but I'm not sure. They all know I'm not "religious", so I don't want to put myself (or them) in an awkward situation. I feel that if I were to just find the right church, one like UCF, I could get back into the rhythm and find myself in relgion once again. Like I said, I believe in God, have morals, etc. I just don't really follow the Bible because I've never really sat down and read it or understood what I have read of it.
I want to get a Bible, I even know which one I want, but I can't afford it just yet. It's roughly $50, but it's a teen Bible & it explains what it's talking about. I need one that will explain it, and the one I saw when I was in the Bible store with Val & Christina this summer really explains things.

So, what makes me want to try out religion again? There are a few reasons.
I've done stupid things in the past and although I believe it's much too late to take them back, I know that God forgives, right? So I want to find peace in religion for my past mistakes. I've also had a lot of "unanswered" prayers... or at least they've been answered with "No." Some of these prayers meant a lot to me, and I felt rejected... it really hurt. I lost faith, really lost faith.
There have also been a lot of good times in my life. When I was younger, in junior high, I had a lot of faith in God as I was recovering from my ED... still not a full recovery, but it's all good. Freshman year was really hard when it came to faith, so was senior year... I tried, when people said pray, I did... never really worked the way I hoped, though.
Well, I finally had a prayer answered my way, and it made me realize that I need to truly give faith a fighting chance. I need to stop only believing when things go right in my life. I need to treat religion like sports... just because my team isn't doing well, I don't give up on them or trade sides, so when times are hard and God isn't making it much easier, I need to have faith because it's not like God would put me through times unless He knew I had the strength to overcome the tough times...

Anyway, the prayer that I had answered was about Mrs. Teeter & the baby. I prayed for months that her pregnancy would go well, that labor and delivery would go well, that she would give birth to a beautiful and healthy baby. When it got closer to the due date, I prayed more often and more specifically. When I realized that her baby was late, I prayed that everything would be okay and that maybe, just maybe, she would give birth on my 18th birthday. Well, all of my prayers came true. Allison gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Olivia, at roughly 10pm on Friday, November 7th. Just hearing that news made everything that has ever gone wrong in my life totally worth it. I knew then and there that there had to be a God looking out for me and for her and her family. There just had to be...
So I'm going to try out religion one more time. Hopefully it works, I begin to understand and believe. Being such a skeptical person, I don't know that it will work for me. I'm not sure that I'll ever really find peace in religion or consider myself a good Christian, but at least I can say I'm going to try. I know I will never be the perfect Christian who follows all of the rules in the Bible. I've broken the 10 commandments in many, many ways, some which are horrible. I've doubted a lot of what the bible says and believe in other pieces of it... I'll never be the perfect Christian, but I also won't pretend to be. I'm not going to tell the world that I'm a Christian who follows the Bible and the rules of Christianity perfectly because I know I can't. I can't do everything it takes to be a good Christian, but maybe if I can just have faith in God again... maybe if I can really convince myself that all the crap that has happened in my life has happened for a reason, well... then I can still have a place in Heaven... who knows?

This has just been one really long babble... I'm probably not making much sense because I'm just typing out my jumbled, confused thoughts... but maybe this will make sense to someone who has been there and understands where I'm coming from.