Today marks one year since Joel passed away. All of my previous emotions are coming back... the one's from when I found out... and the emotion I'm feeling the most is anger and betrayal. How could he have done this to me? He swore he would never hurt me, that we'd get through life together, and that nothing could ever come between us. Then just a few day after we last saw each other, HOURS after we last spoke, he chose to take himself out of this world... out of my world?
This is something I'll never really understand ... suicide is something I just can't fathom... I understand depression and that people hurt because I guess I've kind of been there... I hurt a lot when Rach died my freshman year & I put a lot of that blame on myself since I'm the one who handed her those keys, but deep down I knew that no matter what I thought, there were people who cared about me, and I'd rather suffer the hurt I felt then cause anyone else more pain.
Joel broke a promise... he'd never broken a promise to me. In the 6 years that I knew him, he was always true to his word. He was so important to me, and I can't believe it's been a year now. It's so weird. I mean, I've been through this before... Rachel, Andy, Parsons, my grandma's passing will be a year in April.... you'd think I'd know how to handle this by now?! But it's still hard. No matter how many times you experience death, it still hurts, and it's still hard.
It doesn't help that his mom has been sending me texts and calling me to make sure I remember what day it is, to make sure I remember her son... how could I ever freaking forget? She puts the blame on me because I was the last one he spoke to... well do you want to know what we talked about? Our future! Marriage, kids, things like that.. I find it really hard to believe any of that would lead to what he did.
But it's okay. I guess everyone needs someone to blame, and I'm her target. It's not tearing me down any. A few of my sisters have seen some scars on my arm & freaked out... but my old scars always get bad in winter time.. .dry skin & such doesn't help much. they never really fully healed. So I had to tell them a little about my past.. and it's only the 3 girls that I'm closest to that know. But they've all been really worried about me lately, and as annoyed as I get that people keep pestering me, I guess I'm really glad to have them care so much & to have them be here for me like this. It's times like these that make me really, really glad I joined a sorority :).
Well it's time to meet the girls for breakfast before class. All classes before 11 were canceled, but unfortunately my class is at 11, so I'm still stuck going.. and usually we get out kinda early since it's lab, but we didn't have it last week, so idk. It's a rough day, and usually I'd want to be alone, but I think today I'm gonna surround myself with people... help numb the pain a bit, I suppose.
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