Learning lessons...

Over the past couple of days/weeks I've been thinking back to my past, wondering why things happened the way they did.

Growing up, I had tons of friends, was a pretty good athlete, and made decent grades in school. Sure, I was a little shy and reserved, but I was a well-rounded kid. When we moved to North Carolina, I was just finishing up elementary school, yet the move still was rough on me. I don't think we had been here but a year when my ED developed. I don't bring that up for pity or anything like that, it just makes me wonder why that developed. What did I do to get such poor self image. To this day, I wonder why Anorexia was my diagnosis. I may not have had a positive self image, but I don't think I was anorexic. I consider myself to have had an EDNOS because I wasn't bulemic, I wasn't a binge eater, and although I never (well, rarely) consumed any food, I did not fit the characteristics of anorexia. I was afraid of food, not of what it would do to me. I was, in general, afraid of the food itself. The one food item that scared me more than any other (and I'm not sure why) was steak. To this day, I still can't//won't eat any kind of steak. I haven't consumed steak since I was 9 years old, and I don't know why. Anyway, the ED progressed into something serious - I was extremely underweight from rarely eating, I got plenty of excercise from playing soccer, and my moods were scattered. My life was in shambles and I wasn't but 10 years old...

My ED made me realize a lot of things - I can't hold back my feelings, I should share what's on my mind when it's on my mind, and life's journey will take you places you never thought you'd lay eyes on, let alone experience -- some of those things will be great and will change your life for the better, others will lead you down a dangerous path.

What I'm getting at with all of this is that there are mistakes I've made in my past that are haunting me more than imaginable. There's something I want to apologize for, but to apologize would require me to tell the person what happened, explain why it happened (which I still can't really do, not even to myself), and hope that they won't hate me forever. This isn't a small mistake, this is a big one. And I'm not quite ready to take the chance that someone who has been such an amazing friend and been there for me through a lot of craziness would hate me and just walk out of my life. I know that if the tables were turned, I wouldn't know what to think, wouldn't know if I could accept the apology, and wouldn't know how to treat the person telling me.......

There's just so much going on in my head right now - I don't know what to think, what to do, who to turn to, and what will happen. I hate not being in control, I hate not knowing who to ask for help ((because the select few who I'd normally ask for help are people who are unknowingly part of the situation)), and I hateee feeling like I'm letting someone down, especially someone who I care about.

I've learned a few other lessons over the past few weeks, but this blog is long enough and very rambly because of how exhausted I am.

I'm not looking for comments or anything of the sort, I'm just getting some stuff off my chest. I prefer this over facebook or myspace notes/blogs because much fewer people know of my blog's existence ...